I’ve not reached that place

I’ve not reached that place where I am okay with everything that happens around me.

I’m trying to be responsible to everything that happens around me.

I’ve just learnt the meaning of being responsible. It means to have the ability to respond. not taking the blame or dishing out the blame but having the ability to respond.

I’ve not reached that place of ecstasy where I can walk and feeling with my own being. I am trying.

Existence, I am reaching out to you. In my own conditioned and constricted ways. Take me. Alas, it’s not your choice, it’s mine.

I have not broken from my bonds, I hope one day I will be. Hoping already constricts, I feel it.

Everyone had their own ways, to taste the boundless, without being conscious. I am unconscious, I know. I am choosing to be unconscious.

How to be unconscious? I need a tool. But do I? I am constantly choosing to be unconscious.

— after a while–

Oh damn, external events make changes within so much. How do I stay constant?

Omg it’s it funny, here I am trying to stay constant. When everything you think you are, tries to stay constant. When what you are.. are not constant. It is evergreen, it is there, it is just there. There’s nothing to stay constant about. Nothing to maintain. You cannot maintain it. It is there. Out of your control.

It is there. I am not able to follow it.

–after a while–

I am too attached.

— after a long time–

I don’t know where I am anymore. I don’t know where in this cosmos (that’s an immense word to use) where I stand anymore. What is my worth? I do not know. What do I weigh? I do not know anymore. What am I worth? I do not know anymore.

If I am a part of this cosmos, I do not stand. I do not weigh and I do not worth. Nothing of this sort. If I am a part of this cosmos, truly, I am just it. It I am a part of this cosmos..then I just am. How I think myself apart when I am? I cannot think of any other way to think.

Words limit me. If I am a part of this cosmos then the words “I am a part” falls apart. I just am. I am. I am. I. I. I am. I am. What is cosmos? What is this big word I use. How dare I? How can I think myself of a bigger plan when I have not figured myself out? I am daring, I tell you this.

Intellectually, I understand many things. But, do I know them? Has it become part of my experience? How can I intellectually claim I understand when I truly in experience, do not?

I do not. I understand many things, I experience not.

Nature. It is where I come from. It is where I belong. I can’t even use the words – come from and belong. It creates distance. I am nature. Nature is me. I want to fuse. But there shoudn’t be a want. “Want” means a distinct disconnect. I am nature. I would like to go back where I belong. As in, fuse into being. Being. Become. One.

–after a while–

When I am inebriated, I view things from a perspective. When I am sober, I am it. Alcohol brings be high enough to zoom out, which is good. I wish to be drunk when I am sober, I am sure that is much more fun. I would like to try.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Currently, I am losing battle with myself.

There is ecstasy in being. I want to touch mine.

Mohabbatein

HAHA

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12 April 2018

I wonder if I have already posted this and am posting it again. Oh well. Who reads this anyway?

Eloquence I have lost,
When trying to write words,
To describe the strangeness I feel,
Which replaces your absence.

You’ll find someone more deserving,
Much more better they say,
Firstly I have lost confidence in that,
Secondly, what if I am not the one who deserves here.

I’m starting to feel that people get more selfish,
As they get older, as a way to protect themselves,
But isn’t it supposed to be the other way round,
Where you are bursting with life and love and everything beautiful.

People make mistakes,
People aren’t perfect, they never will be,
That doesn’t stop us from growing and learning,
And will that ever be given a second chance?

I feel stupid standing, with my heart still open,
Waiting to get schooled by the world to believe in the conditional,
I can keep myself busy, working on myself,
I guess if I keep looking, I will never find it.

Pretender

Sitting by the river,
I’m at an impasse,
I use the word,
Because it sounds smart.

People look at this,
I care and yet I don’t,
They look like they have an understanding,
I don’t really feel like they do.

Nobody knows what they go through,
I’m just standing here, selfish,
Wondering how things will pan out,
Hearing all criticism.

It’s quite raw,
I’m going to regret this tomorrow,
Such an emo kid I pretend to be,
When I don’t know other ways.

To hear your own opinions,
And yet embrace others,
That’s hard, I feel,
And that’s why we will seperate.

The difficulty is that we feel entitled,
We feel entitled to how we feel,
That is not something to overcome,
Something to be aware of.

How we feel is not we are,
There is an existential difference,
Listen to how you feel,
Throw it all away.

Be done with listening to yourself,
Am I wrong, to wonder what is wrong,
Of fuck, so much bullshit,
I say things invaluable.