I’ve not reached that place

I’ve not reached that place where I am okay with everything that happens around me.

I’m trying to be responsible to everything that happens around me.

I’ve just learnt the meaning of being responsible. It means to have the ability to respond. not taking the blame or dishing out the blame but having the ability to respond.

I’ve not reached that place of ecstasy where I can walk and feeling with my own being. I am trying.

Existence, I am reaching out to you. In my own conditioned and constricted ways. Take me. Alas, it’s not your choice, it’s mine.

I have not broken from my bonds, I hope one day I will be. Hoping already constricts, I feel it.

Everyone had their own ways, to taste the boundless, without being conscious. I am unconscious, I know. I am choosing to be unconscious.

How to be unconscious? I need a tool. But do I? I am constantly choosing to be unconscious.

— after a while–

Oh damn, external events make changes within so much. How do I stay constant?

Omg it’s it funny, here I am trying to stay constant. When everything you think you are, tries to stay constant. When what you are.. are not constant. It is evergreen, it is there, it is just there. There’s nothing to stay constant about. Nothing to maintain. You cannot maintain it. It is there. Out of your control.

It is there. I am not able to follow it.

–after a while–

I am too attached.

— after a long time–

I don’t know where I am anymore. I don’t know where in this cosmos (that’s an immense word to use) where I stand anymore. What is my worth? I do not know. What do I weigh? I do not know anymore. What am I worth? I do not know anymore.

If I am a part of this cosmos, I do not stand. I do not weigh and I do not worth. Nothing of this sort. If I am a part of this cosmos, truly, I am just it. It I am a part of this cosmos..then I just am. How I think myself apart when I am? I cannot think of any other way to think.

Words limit me. If I am a part of this cosmos then the words “I am a part” falls apart. I just am. I am. I am. I. I. I am. I am. What is cosmos? What is this big word I use. How dare I? How can I think myself of a bigger plan when I have not figured myself out? I am daring, I tell you this.

Intellectually, I understand many things. But, do I know them? Has it become part of my experience? How can I intellectually claim I understand when I truly in experience, do not?

I do not. I understand many things, I experience not.

Nature. It is where I come from. It is where I belong. I can’t even use the words – come from and belong. It creates distance. I am nature. Nature is me. I want to fuse. But there shoudn’t be a want. “Want” means a distinct disconnect. I am nature. I would like to go back where I belong. As in, fuse into being. Being. Become. One.

–after a while–

When I am inebriated, I view things from a perspective. When I am sober, I am it. Alcohol brings be high enough to zoom out, which is good. I wish to be drunk when I am sober, I am sure that is much more fun. I would like to try.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Currently, I am losing battle with myself.

There is ecstasy in being. I want to touch mine.