From a height

From a height, the stars look so much closer, like you can touch them.

From a height, it feels like you can embrace the beauty.

From a height, you can zoom out and observe.

From a height, you can see the dull subtle beauty of the urban jungle. The meanders in the roads, the incessant passing of vehicles.

From a height, the whole city comes alive. It looks like the stars have fallen on Earth. The stunning view is breathtaking.

From a height, the breeze swiftly and simply brings all your worries with it, into oblivion. Your mind is filled with the wonder the city lights have to offer and nothing else.

From a height, you feel powerful. Looking down gives this feel, like youre the ultimate superior being. Staring down at the tiny dots walking furiously going about their daily lives.

Today was just good fun. It was simple and sweet. I like it that way. Compared to last night in zouk, oh lord.

Zouk, drunk off my boobs! (Can’t say balls cause I ain’t got any dawg). I tried wanting to dance with a guy only to find out he was gay. I talked to a random guy and told him how much I would like to be the chandelier which was above the mass of people glittering in absolute beauty, not consciously knowing it’s own magnificence as it has no soul. I fell, very classy-ly into a table.

Tonight was chilled. Hanging out, sharing smiles. It was nice. One Altitude is amazing. The view is gorgeous. I prefer nights like this to clubbing.

Im turning 20 this year but I feel so old in my own skin. Clubbing isn’t my thing anymore. Not because I embarrassed myself last night. I embarrass myself all the time, that is irrelevent. I just feel like I’ve outgrown the mindless, slutty essence of clubbing. I would still go, but once in a BLUE moon, given I have a good premise.

I don’t see a point it in.Like, you meet drunk people who don’t remember you, you talk shit you don’t remember, you feel uncompletely unproductive and shitty the next day. And you ask yourself- Last night was fun. But what dafaq am I doing in my life. What did I gain from last night other than- pieces of the puzzle I’m trying to decipher, aching legs and helpless body reactions.

I prefer spending in a pub or a bar where you meet people, and can talk to them- AND ACTUALLY HEAR THEM. You don’t have to compete with the fuckin’ music. You can insight, you share stories, you get to know people- BETTER.

You walk home satisfied, smiles, laughs and a few new friends who you spent quality time with. Good job, you!

I want to have such nights again.

Skies; looked stunning

I spotted Orian!

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Don’t

Don’t ever promise something you have a hint of not fulfilling completely. If you say you’ll make it happen, you make it happen.

Don’t ever say things without thinking twice about what the person listening might FEEL. Be sensitive and critical in the way you put your point across.

Don’t forget to say sorry when you know you’ve erred. You let yourself down and the person infront you.

Don’t think asking for forgiveness makes you a lesser person. It makes you less regretful, for your sake and others.

Don’t give hope only to crush it. If you do, apologise.

Don’t let ego come in between the decisions of the heart. Ego is a corrosive yet beautiful thing. Think twice. Ego can damage yet charm. Know when to use it.

Don’t dismiss an idea and not voice out when you have one. Who knows? It might be brilliant. If not, at least you tried. And not relentlessly think of the possibilities in sober silence.

Don’t let the misery you have inflicted onto yourself through your choices bring you down. You chose it. Man up.

Don’t regret any decision you intentionally or unintentionally make. Honestly, die a happy person with no burdens, will you?

Don’t let someone else control how you feel. Feeling horrible? Cry it out and psych yourself out of it. Placebo will work his charm. It’s your life- no one’s living it for you. Do what you have to do to be in your confident place again.

Don’t let the devil linger way too long. You feel him inching towards, you inch away. Or, put on an immune suit and play hopscotch with him in the backyard. Win-win. But- don’t shake on your encounter. Don’t.

Don’t let it suck the life out of you. Don’t shake hands. Worse still, don’t hug. It connects the two hearts, souls in an intimate embrace. You’re vulnerable.

Schedule

I’m back to where I’ve been for months.

Tired. Exhausted. Living on a schedule. Sleep deprived. Long hours. Less laughter. More work.

I’m not complaining about the tiredness per se, cause I chose this for myself. I’m upset about the helplessness which led me into choosing these things for myself. Get it?

Oh nevermind. Round the clock, I’m constantly working. Even ‘hangin with da galzz’ becomes an event in my organiser. Now, that makes me sad. Because keeping up with your friends and sharing some laughter and love with them- becomes an ‘Event’.

‘Oh, okay lemme pen you down, yeah?’

It’s bittersweet, this whole period.

Bitter? Why? I got to work- not cause I want to- cause I need to. I mean, given a choice, I would have loved to just lepak and do my uni. But dang it Money God, put me in a fix, why don’t you?

Sweet? Why? Cause well, in the most oddest of ways, having a tight schedule gives me this sense of responsibilty and discipline. And I like being busy, generally.

Difference here being: I like being busy with things I like to do. But those ‘things’ don’t require much responsibility or discipline. Probably none. What I like to do- oh yknow- hanging out, reading, writing, drinking, SLEEPING.

Probably none? Bullshit. DEFINITELY NONE.

Coming back, I like being busy. On.a whole. My uni plus jobs- satisfies that agenda. It feels good at the end of the day when you hit the sack- you transcend into slumber with a tinge of accomplishment.

‘That was 100 dollars in my wallet! YAY! Don’t know when I’ll get to spend it cause I don’t have a life. But.. YAY!’

Sometimes the whole thought sounds stupid. I believe that we only bend to social norms such as having an education and the more money- the better living? How much of it is true?

It’s said: “Work hard, for a better living.”
On average- a man probably works up to 60-70 years of his/ her life (Education + Work Experience). 10 years retirement before he/ she dies, perhaps? Umm, where’s the better living? I’m sorry, where dafaq did that chunk go?

It’s a complete irony- how we work and work and work. But I don’t see a ‘better’ living. Today, the stress levels have gone up in schools and workplaces. The health of every being is deteriorating cause of it. I’m betting on more high blood pressure patients out there. How is that better living? How? Is materialistic assets the determining factor of a better living?

Then again, the word ‘better’ might be subjective to each individual. To one, being a CEO, having a good house, insurance, a car, good food, gadgets and spare cash to appreciate whisky might define as a good life. To the other, chilling in Bali in a stick house, having normal food, using public transport, having a decent salary by painting in a shack and smoking up weed every other day might be the better life. It’s relative to one another.

Question being: Who is more happier? The rich, smart and responsibile CEO, or the uneducated fool who is stoned half the time and has enough for the days to go by smoothly?
Who’s happier? I think we all know the answer. Who’s ready to just admit it?

I think the word ‘better’ is misintrepreted for- convenience. Who is living the more convenient life? Mr. CEO. Who’s living the more happier life? Mr. Stoner.

I don’t know what exactly. I’m getting to and this is far from an argumentative esaay cause my thoughts are flying everywhere. But point being: we work and work and work our fuckin butts off, to apparently obtain the ‘better life’ but listen up First World country folks- time runs out before you know it.

If life is given to us for the lessons and experience, ours are just limited to the social construct that society has created. We are so wound up in it- it engulfs us and we think- this is it. We’ve made it. And I see money being the root of it.

Ah, then again, CEO might look at Stoner and be jealous of his easy simple life, his smile and the extent Stoner is ‘living his life’ to.

While Stoner might look at CEO and be jealous of the POSSIBILITIES of how he (stoner or ceo) could have led his life if not for his (stoner or ceo) helpless situations.

(You can look at it both ways – stoner/ ceo. I can’t explain it- too long an explaination but if you’re smart enough, you’ll figure it out)

Yoi’ll never know the true answer. But for the rest of us. Make this your motto: Chill. No stress.

“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.” – well, societal norms, maybe I could, if you fuckin let me.

Skies

Top of the world- Imagine Dragons. That has been my jam for.. many many hours now. I’ve heard it a million times and I’m testing how many times will it take for me to get sick of this song. Not yet, folks. Not yet. Listen to it. It’s got this fun tune and beat and music and african soul for some reason, and that makes me fuckin’ ecstatic. African soul music makes me internally and whole heartedly happy.

It says to the soul: hey you, why don’t you smile unconditionally and breathe in the life the wind brings? Why, don’t you?

The last two days were very satisfying. Met Pall and Priya (we call ourselves the PSP, don’t ask) and hung out with Pall. We, of course, talked about her trip to India and my sad pathetic life. And the whole conversation digressed into something deeper. Debates on perceptions, view and opinions. Which is, I must say, way more interesting and listening to two girls go on about boys and shopping for hours in and out.

I have new, much revised views now. Talk to me sometime if you want to talk about something more productive than the amount of money you save by buying those Salvatore Ferragamo heels.

Slept on the terrace that night. Saw Jupiter and Saturn through a telescope. Slept under the beautiful blanket of stars and debated about random topics. Fantastic.

Looking at Saturn and Jupiter for real, with your own eyes..is just a complete different feeling. My heart inflated in awe. The light reflected off the planets penetrated the eyes and they stung. Yet, I kept staring. It was simply magical. The ‘tangibility’ of staring at them with my own eyes overwhelmed me. We have always stared at them in books. Of course. But, looking into the vastness of the universe by ‘yourself’ is so sobering. Like, it’s reachable, not by just all the scientists out there. But, by you, a mere human being living her life.

The stars which filled the deep midnight blue skies above me, covered me in a blanket of absolute beauty, calmness and life. Like the skies were whispering answers into my ears to the silent prayers I sent out. There was consciousness in every atom that filled the infinite skies.

Magical. Just, magical.

Thoughts on the bus

So much construction going on everwhere, I wonder when the concrete jungle will stop growing.

Shit, shit. I hope he doesn’t find out I was stalking him because of that tiny little touch screen error.
Hey, self respect counts for something.

I wonder how I’m gonna wake up tomorrow. Uni starts pretty darn early.

Awh, it was really nice bumping into Tazkiah. Took me all the way back to primary school. The nostalgia floods me with warmth.

The warmth is helping me in the cold bus.

Did I pay my phone bill already?

What will we talk about when we meet? I want to challenge the motion that he knows me ‘pretty well’. Not because I want to defend myself in front of him and point him wrong, but I want to see from his eyes. What he sees, what he perceives. And what makes him think he knows me well enough, and be confident about it.

Should I nap when I get back, or not?

Wow, back’s been aching man. Need to get that mattress.

My previous crush used to live around here, wonder what and how’s he doing in life. Last I heard, he was in the army.

Do you think that cutie at the bar likes me? Man, his eyes are to die for. But meh, those people are supposed to be nice to everyone. Nowadays, politeness can often be mistaken for flirtiness. Hahahah. Funny. That means, I flirt with both sexes, everyday :D

Woah, the boy has balls. I mean. Yeah. Woah.

I can’t do that, that’s uncomfortable. No, I don’t want to. Not gonna. Too bad.

I am going to take a ride on this Hippo Bus someday. It’s entirely purple, topless and the tagline is da best. “Be hip, go topless.” HAHAHAH WOULDN’T YOU WANNA ‘RIDE’ IT TOO? HAHAHA.

Feelings are so complicated and so non-rational. Fuckkkk thisssss. I’m feeling that I need to feel how to not feel about someone. Comprende?

Yeap, I’m gonna take that nap. Tonight’s gonna long- gotta prep for the upcoming essays.

Why money, why? Why you slip away so fast from my hands?

Oo, clarke quay looks pweettyy. So shiny.

Why you so immature? Whyyy? If you had a speck of maturity in the way you think, we could have still been a duo against the world. Why? Haiyo.

Okay, so people are like..aliens. This one alien in front of me has blonde hair, yellow skin, hot pink sticker nails and a cake on her face. She doesn’t look real, much less a human. Woah. It’s unnatural. I want to admit her into the zoo.

Bus ride over. Tata.

I’m gonna go now. Bus ride over.

School

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I miss school. I miss being in school. Life was.. haha, simpler. Less intricate. Not any more complex than the compounds on your chemistry paper. School, come back, I’d do you all over again.

My worries were as simple as- Have I completed that piece of homework? Is my project in check? Is my uniform for tomorrow ironed? Do I have everything packed? Will I pass my exams? Those were the worries which confuzzeled the adolescent teen. Things which kept me up at night were my mathematical equations which wouldn’t quit the teasing or my chemistry compounds which danced on my paper all night with their fancy carbon chains and hydroxyl units.

Oh my, just typing about it makes me miss my school days. Unfair. Growing up and becoming responsible is a pain in the arse.

Now the-about-to-become-adult-mind ponders upon, how do I go about paying my bills? How do I manage my social life plus work life? Will I succeed in the path I’ve taken? What are the consequences of the decisions I take? Will I gain or lose? What if this is wrong? Should I still do it nonetheless? How do I keep up with my jobs and uni? Am I spreading myself too thin? What are the ramifications of the actions and how I act around people? What do I priortise?

It’s a mess.

See, in school, my priorities were handed to me. PSLE. OLEVELS. ALEVELS. There was no.. organizing and compartmentalizing of thoughts and attitude needed. There wasn’t this extra subconscious effort needed in differentiating ‘what the right thing to do’ was. You knew what you were supposed to do. How you did it, was your problem. But you knew the goal set in mind- only because it was handed to me. Indirectly.

But now, it’s critical thinking every step of the way. The amount of conscioud and subconscious calculation which goes into it is immense. Long story short, there is no ‘space’ to make a mistake. I can’t make a mistake. In school, I could afford to. ‘Not do that piece of homework, skip school, play truant.’ Now I can’t.

For one, it’a the prime years of your life. What you do now, determines what happens to you in the future.
Secondly, the magnitude of the ramifications of a ‘mistake’ has exponentially grown. Think about it.

Compare not doing your assignment to skipping a day of work.

It’s a snowball effect I can’t quite put into words. But I’m sure you’d understand. You’re smart.

Understand why I miss school so.much? Naysayers might argue that when the responsibilities handed to you, there is no critical thinking involved and hence no creativity, no ‘happiness’ because the mundane routine sucks the life out of you. And working in the real world adds that zest of competition, hence, more creativity, productivity and efficiency.

My argument: well, we had competition in school too. Maybe way more because every single one of us was given the same goal. Working world; goals and roles differ for every position. Own time, own target shit. Different scenarios.
Also, in school, school was part of your life. You had time to do your own THANG. Whatever it was. Reading, talking on the phone, meeting up with friends, whatever it was. One way or another, it enhanced creativity or at least lifted the ‘happiness’ quota.

In the working world, your work becomes your life. Not part of it. You get so inundated with it, if you have time off you either want to sleep and forget or meet up with your friends and just.. Drink lah kay. Hahaha. ‘Hey Joshua, tomorrow i’ve got a day off. Why don’t we meet up and uhh, go for drinks? Also, I need to discuss some ideas with you, you might just be the man I’m looking for.’

Whatever it is. I think growing up sucks balls. Other than the fact you can buy your own clothes and drinks with your money and you have no one to answer to, responsibility is bullllllll.

Like I’ve said in my earlier posts about Shrad’s thinking process, it’s a derailed train. It is biased and possibly looked over key points. But they are just thoughts. Inner conflicts and internal comments. Read it or chuck it.

I miss school.

I am excite.

I am excite. I am very very excite. Since yesterady I am excite. So excite that I couldn’t sleep the whole night and passed out at 5am to get to work at 10am. 

Okay, no, I’m not that excite. (I sound like a retard. True to its sense, retard.) I’m excited just cause I am, and I can be. Suck it.

And last night, Delarie and I were drinking along the river, yknow, blowin’ some STEAAMMMM. Poof! Bitchin’ bout the bwoys and talking about how we are the MOST uh-mazing people in za WORLD. Dude, drunk self-garnered confidence works..like a freakin’ charm. See, I’m awesomely harpee today. Try it. No, really. And, also, just to blow off a little more steam and feel in control, fling the empty wine bottle as hard and as far as you can into the river. If it reaches the other side, You, my friend, have reached enlightenment and are a self-motivated champ (who’s strong). If not, try again, tomorrow’s another day. No worries. But please..don’t get caught littering. 

In Singapore, the Po-Po is always watching……. (Dun Dun Dun Dun- the sound effects are quite expensive)

Last night, was a pretty fruitful night at the bar. Good work guys. That’s Brandon and myself. Good work guys, again. Delarie came to visit, and hog, of course. The benefits of having a friend working in a bar. “Bitch, I’m your best friend, now, fix me a drink.”

NYEAH!

Okay, I CAN POUR DRINKS AND MAKE.. ONE COCKTAIL. I am proud. Very excite and very proud. But I can’t get the hang of shaking the shaker.

‘Shrad, it’s da wrist movement. Get it right.’ ‘Yes baus, yes’

Oh, in the afternoon, My manager went out to buy hair wax. Bartenders also have to look in tip-top form (as the Indians say it- TIP-TAAP with the VOKAY hand gesture). On a side note, there has been this man, this one man who keeps calling us for our address and apparently can’t find us even after we gave him directions, gave him the full address, told him about the nearest landmarks. It got down to this: Hi Sir, would you happen to have a smartphone, why don’t you punch in the postal code into your Navigations on your phone and see the magic happen? 

Well, that line wasn’t delivered in that tone. In fact, we had gotten a call that very evening before the manager left to buy his hair wax.

And when I was all alone in the bar, I get The call, again. Sian.

Stage Directions:

Bright beautiful Sunday afternoon. The birds are chirping, the sun’s nice and warm. Robertson Quay looks like a beauty in daylight. Shrad (Main Cast)- polishing glasses in the bar. She has a retarded smile on her face because scriptwriter says so.

Bar phone rings. Shrad picks up the phone, a little unsettled cause she secretly doesn’t know how to pronounce the bar’s name.

Shrad (rushed tone so the mistake goes hidden): Hello, La Maison Du Whisky, Shraddha speaking.
Man: Harlo ah? Where is your location ah?

Shrad is annoyed. Z(oops).

Shrad: We are located at 80 Muhammed Sultan Road, Robertson Quay.
Man: Where is that ah?
Shrad: Okay, in Robertson Quay, we are located next to Harry’s bar. And next to the chocolate bar. Also, if you take a cab here or something, walk right through the carpark and you can see us right in front.
Man: Oh oh ok okay but hor I don’t know where is the Harry’s bar also.
Shrad: Oh, you have smartphone or not ah? I give you postal code lah?
Man: No la where got smartphone! I got use Nokia only. No smart no smart.
Shrad: Got internet access or not ah?
Man: No la. Nokia what, where got internet access wan?
Shrad: Ok ok, you got know where the Gallery Hotel and Studio M hotel got in Robertson Quay? Where got Filter? Robertson Quay is next to Clarke Quay also, can walk wan.
Man: Oh yeah yeah got got
Shrad: Ok, if you know where that one have, then you ask around ah. Sure got people know where the bar is wan. No po-bem. (That’s ‘problem’ btdubbs)
Man: I am at UE square, how to come?
Shrad: Oh, UE square..That wan near Fullerton that wan ah? Uh, take cab? Or, you walk ah, not far.
Man: Where got UE square at Fullerton! HAHAHA SHRADDHA YOU ASSHOLE. I’m Brandon here! Shraddha, you’re an idiot. You fail so bad. Have the cheek to talk like me and the first thing you ask me is whether I have a smartphone without helping me out. CB. Okay, anyway, Ill be back in 10-15 mins, I’m in UE sqaure, buying hair wax.
Shrad: HAHAHAHAHAH OKAY. OH SHIT. AM I IN TROUBLE?
Man: You are missy. 

End phone call.

Shrad rolls on the floor with laughter. 15mins later, Manager comes in and they laugh it off but after a little bit of ‘This is what you should do and what you should not’.

-End-

Okay, in my defence, I’m generally nice on the phone but that particular man was just annoying. I didn’t know my manager was imitating him! haha. That was hilarious. I pondered upon it and laughed because as the conversation progressed my English took a nosedive. Sad. Pathetic, even. But hey, sometimes to connect, you really have to break down the communication barriers, hard. I was the compromising one in this transaction. I’m also a big hearted person, just saying.

Woah. I think the empty-wine-bottle-throwing experience last night is translating into narcissism and delusional power of perception. I should stop.

Nah. :P

On a completely random yet related note.

Love yourself. Love everything about yourself. Normally they call relationships (other than companionship, fun, laughter and games)- ‘the compensation of self-love deficiency’. Psychologically. But, think about it..if you love yourself wholly, you will harbour so much positive energy in you that you don’t have to put in the effort in loving someone else. If you love yourself, you know how to take care for yourself, it becomes a habit or a practice and likewise, you extend this hospitality to others around you without even thinking about it. You will love people around you unconditionally and it will come to your naturally

And I mean this, in any sort of relationship. Not just a boy-girl relationship.

“Love yourself, and you will be able to love someone else the right way. Be responsible for yourself and you will be able to be responsible for someone else. Without effort. Without thought.”