fail liners

i was browsing through Thought Catalog and read an article about the many fail pick-up lines this woman used. LAWL, it’s really some read. the pick up lines are so retarded.

guy:”you look like a pînata”
girl:”oh yeah, would you like to beat me with your stick?”
Hahahahaahahahahha.

which made me think.. hey, i could totally write entitled: 101 on How To Never Get Him To Call You Back Again; I’ve got sheer bit of experience.

 totally gonna jot down the funny lines i’ve come across! and since, i need to procrastinate and not study. so here goes.

 

“Is there a mirror in your pants, cause i can totally see myself in them”
STORY: last year, the night i turned 17, 2 of my friends and i decided to just hang out by the Clarke Quay river near my house. we evidently had a bottle of booze. i was entertaining phone calls while one of my precious friends gulped half the bottle, neat. she was seeing stars. we decided to walk around CQ, and do some random dares. i got my star-seeing friend to go up to a dude, throw a pick up line and ask for his number. i shit you not, she said that. I DIED. well, thank goodness the dude was smashed. he didnt realize or she might have been raped. 

 

“do you have a map? cause i’m lost in your eyes”
STORY: same night, my other girlfriend-not the star-seeing one. subject was a bald irish dude. cliche as it is, it was delivered. with results actually. leprachaun lover actually gave her his number. we had just pretended to note it down though.  

 

guy:”so when can i meet you next, miss 7-11?”
me:”what about tonight at 7 mins to 11. *winkface*”
STORY: firstly, please tell me you died. i know it, you don’t have to hide and laugh. while you’re at it, why don’t you get a gun and shoot me. this was over text. his reply: you make me chuckle. (i wanted to jump off a cliff) so i guess you understand when i say; i’m bad at this shit. btw in my defence; I JUST HAD TO OKAY. i was lolling for a long time after that. it was ‘in the moment’ if you know wadda mean?  i’m still convinced it’s pretty witty. but lame. but witty. well, i haven’t gotten a text till now, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. *sadness* – he was cute. 

“why don’t you sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.”
STORY: my best friend’s boyfriend was on a chair, blocking my path. he said that to see my reaction. i lolled, and lolled and even rofled. i thought that was pretty smooth, hell suggestive, but smooth. 

friend:”what’s your name?”
DRUNK dude:”i’m the guy whose name you scream when i give you orgasms”
STORY: my reaction: O_O 

so yeah. these are some i’ve heard which have left me rolling in fits. the last one was epic though.

before i ‘turn off the lights’, here’s one i read.

“the word for today is legs. now let’s go upstairs and spread the word” ;)

 

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doin’ ma thang, bloomer

when one is young, they have a plethora of friends, different personalities, different likes and dislikes. as you start growing older, this platoon of friends slowly melts away, leaving a very small intimate group with almost the same views on issues as you. this core group becomes one of your lifelines, whom you trust whole-heartedly.

things change, people change and times change. ‘change is the only constant in life.’ as solid as that maybe, a cardinal truth of life, some people take time to understand. likewise, i think i was a late bloomer. friendships mean the world to me (hell, i’m sure it’s the same for everyone else), sometimes more than relationships. i’ve always seen it in this way; relationships make and break and go sour eventually, but friendships are for the long haul.–

“i don’t need a man, to make it happen. i go out, do ma thang.” -k, i kid. i want a man; later on, but he shouldn’t stop me from doin’ ma thang. whatever that’s gonna be. o.O

–maybe i’ll come around learning a lesson about this in near future; ah the lessons, too many. =.= i don’t to grow up. i want to be a kid where i was the most oblivious nut. it’s true, knowledge does bring about misery.

hence, when ‘friends become distant, i get dumbfounded. it’s new, scary, incomprehendable.
‘i love these guys, they can’t just…become strangers all over again?’
and then, i try too hard. i try hard to put it all back to how it was. i try holding onto them, so hard, that they slip away even further. (uh-oh). even though it’s obvious things have changed, i try hard to bring it back to how it was in my memories.

there is an amount of self-respect every person has. something, you wouldn’t forgo.
‘look, if she doesn’t want to talk to me properly, even after i tried. she can talk to me when she feels like it, i’m not gonna try anymore.’
ah, alright. but sometimes i try forgoing that self-respect, and don’t mind looking like an embarrassing freakshow and even take the blame, because i look at the long-run and if i love you that much. if me looking like an idiot now might change things to how it was before, i don’t mind looking like an idiot. you hear me brother?

but, okay. if things are meant to be, they will be. i think i’ve come in par with things now. things change and you just have to live with it. people come, people go, some stay. i believe that though i harp about how much i love change, there are certain things i wish remained just the way they are. well, that doesn’t happen all the time, and i shouldn’t get worked up over it.

“as we mature, (“ma-too-er”) our relationships matures with us” – i can’t seem to remember where i’ve heard this, it’s been ringing in my head since last night. i have a feeling it’s HIMYM. “oh babeh, what a ‘cham-ma-lee-on’ you is!”

wokay, so basic truths.
1) time doesn’t stop for nobody.
2) things change all the time. like it or not.
3) people come, people go. simple.
4) vampires exist!
(they just don’t want to disclose it cause if they do, everyone will wanna be vamps and there won’t be anyone to feed upon!) 

oh lord, i’m freaking out about my upcomin’ exams. any econs doctor in the house? i need immediate market attention. the prices of peanuts are fluctuating!

i’m not gonna pursue anything i’ve taken in JC. i don’t know why i’m there. =.= let’s just hope i don’t fail in life. cause then, i won’t be able to ‘do ma thanggggg’. again, whatever’s that gonna be.

 

swagger like jagger

the glittering strings of small lights hanging on the walls. the mellow yellow lighting in the room. the blaring speakers in the background. a group of friends and total strangers gathered in a room. add the drinks and some food. the recipe for a good ol’ house party. for some, add in the smokes. for the daring ones, throw in some marijuana. 
(it’s illegal in this country. so of course there wasn’t any at this party. please. we obey rules.)

the music hollered away in the background. the table was cluttered with food, bottles, cups, ashes. there were tiny bits of conversation thrown across the table, laughter, jokes. of course there was a table at the back lined up with the varieties of alcohol and a blender. why? to mix the drinks yo. (i still am trying to comprehend that). as the alcohol slips down your throat, the insides go warm and you feel yourself gaining colour and becoming a more integrated part of the crowd. then, you get into your element. *hit it*

i have to say, i was on a roll (on the floor-LOL). i haven’t laughed this hard in quite some time. the people were absolutely amazing and entertaining. there was a loose pixie in the house. o.O she literally fluttered around just dancing away, she worked in a company called seamens (don’t know how that’s spelt. but that’s not the point. point: ‘semen’. bwhahaha. i didn’t let that go.) and i saw a dude with an eyebrow piercing! woaaaah. piercings and tattoos fascinate me.
(i believe i get attracted to guys with piercings and tattoos. okay hold up, piercings; only eyebrow, tongue or ear. not nipples and scary shit like that. o.O but not that dude, no.) 

-i read what i’ve written so far. it actually sounds like i went for  a really #dark party. it was quite colourful, believe me. i was wearing red. (Y) 

anyway, the night went on like another other happy party. talking here, talking there. dancing here, dancing there. omg there was a cake fight, eek! cake all over the floor is not nice.
‘you are going to regret this tomorrow vishal!’
‘i dont care shrad! i’m drunkkkkk’ *throw cake*
Well, okay then, i ain’t cleaning up thatttt shyte. na-uh!

i never ever do this normally. but i sat down and told people random nonsense about myself. how i believe i’m so career-minded and independent that it has made me materialistic. i went on to tell them my future dreams of becoming bloody rich and my ingenius plans to get out of here. additionally, i even cribbed about school and how i hate the damned education system. i had very strong views, now that i think back. i think i even talked about politics. (where in the worldddd did all that come from?!) *blame it on the a-a-alcohol*
I believe they were convinced the kid has gone mad. i believe i have. normally i’m all about happy thoughts and just shaking my booty away into the night. but no, tonight the 18 year old will talk about mature 18 year old things. (Y) f-yeah. (high people are phunny lah)

MOVES LIKE JAGGER WAS THE ANTHEM OF EVENT. we all swaggered to jagger like it’s 2012 and the girls drooled looking at adam levine. his tattoo in hindi is smexy. :D
A friend of mine rolled in when the party rolled out!she snuck out- what a bad ass!

i think we are sort of going through this rebellic phase in our lives where it gives us joy just going against the very notion of being ethical, responsible and reasonable in any circumstance. we cannot reason. we are dumb and stupid. we know we will regret this but we’re gonna do it anyway. wow, teens are messsssseeeedddd up. *to hell with pragmatism, i’m here to party.*

when i woke up the next morning and went into the hall, the sight looked like a set of the Hangover movies. it was sad. cake on the floor. cans, bottles, stubbed lights, plates all over the floor. oh lord. 

i wrote this, to remember. it was a good party.
Why house parties are good? 
1) you can change the volume whenever you want
2) you can talk to people properly and not scream in their ears
3) you can sleepover
4) no closing time. woah. that’s magic.

okay, so i think that’s it. a completely useless night if you think about it we just got drunk and wasted hours of our lives away. but that’s alright, i guess, cause partying is every teenager’s anthem and if we don’t live up to it, we are not justifying our rebellious visions. after all, it’ll be soon that we won’t be able to drink that much without waking up with a hangover. so, do enjoy your unhangovered days till they last

cheers. 

party hard. study harder (WHY) but party even harder. (totally quoting snooki) 

life’s not short. but comparing the years of being responsible and irresponsible, the time period one normally spends being irresponsible is relatively wayyyy shorter than the amount of years one will spend being responsible. so hey, live your irresponsible years as irresponsibly as possible. don’t miss out on your definition of carelessness and utmost stupidity. but please- study. (it hurts to even say it.)
 

‘youth knows not what age thinks and feels. but guilty is the man who forgot how it felt to be young’

 

bucket list

yesterday miraculously i managed to talk on the phone for 5 hours straight! ohmygawd, I KNOW. i haven’t spoken for so long on the phone ever since secondary school. it’s normally hi-bye conversations, quick-update-me-about-your-life-cause-i’m-studying-and-have-to-go-soon talks or even OMG-i-need-to-tell-you-what-just-happened short snippets now, but yesterday i submitted myself to the alluring and seductive creations of technology, my handphone. haha, i love my girlfriends. BFFL YAW. totes. i don’t know how we managed to talk that long, given that we know eachother for long enough that we don’t need to talk that much. (say what?!)

the most intersting topic discussed was the Bucket List. my friend and i came up with a bucket list (individual) which we are going to pursue with utmost dedication and devotion- AFTER A LEVELS. everything also; AFTER ALEVELS. pottermore-after A’s, reading- after A’s, sleepovers-after A’s, camps- after A’s, rollercoasters- after A’s, basically having a life- after A’s. anything before that; you gotta be jokin’ me. anything before A’s? yes ofcourse! STUDYING. (so fun, no?)

So yes, bucket lists. thIngs i want to do before i ‘kick the bucket’. i have one before i turn 19 and then one before i turn to dust.

BEFORE 19
– get a tattoo. i wanna i wanna i wanna.
– belly piercing, after i flatten my tummy
– become a part time RJ (it’s gonna happen)
– get an article on Thought Catalog
– OBM

BEFORE I DIE
– skydiving
– go for the Masquerade festival in Venice (forgot what it’s called)
– scream on top of my lungs standing on the Grand Canyon
– star in a TV show, LOL.
– get my ass out of singapore
– buy a sexy car 
– AMSTERDAM: i think we all know why ;)
– party in NYC

it’s a tentative list.

the BEFORE 19 list, here I come, AFTER ALEVELS. =.=

 

pro-procrastinator

exam tomorrow? 

so, what do i do?

1) watch tv
the notes are sitting on my table in my room. but, what gives? phineas and ferb in on disney!

2) eat
i need to study. but hey, nobody can study with an empty stomach. plus, i’m bored, so..let’s gobble down 2 pieces of pizza.

3) call a friend
just when i’m about to get down to some serious reading, i remember, i haven’t heard my friends’ voices in over a week. so, let’s punch some numbers and get ringin’.

4) zone out
it’s a typical habit. my attention span is limited. i tend to look out my window and just..zone out, blank out. sometimes, i talk to myself. :S

5) doodling
cause drawing random squiggles on your notes is JUST SO FUN.

6) sing and dance around the room
i suddenly jump up, put my earphones on and start ‘jamming’ on my imaginary electronic guitar and some head bang to go with it. ‘pourrr someee sugarrrr on meeee.’ i don’t know how to play the guitar.

7) check facebook
it’s an addiction-do not judge! data plans on mobile phones can be seriously distracting! keep updating my status or stalk random cute people on facebook and sulk at your goddamn boring life while they roam around italy.

8) do the chores
cmon, momma’s gonna come home and she’s gonna be upset seeing the house in a mess. i must be a responsible daughter and wash the dishes, hang the laundry and even do some extra sweeping to make her happy :D

9) fight with my brother
the day is never complete without having a row with my bro. just pick a topic of choice and start shouting and screaming. maybe even a little bit of name-calling. that feels so energising, i’m satisfied, it’s fun being the older sibling.

10) type this entry
get down to writing an entry on procrastination, to procrastinate as the clock keeps ticking away. yes yes, i’m a pro-procrastinator.

okay, so, i’ve done almost everything on that list. except the row with the bro. imma do that right now.

‘yo bro, why are your socks on the bloody floor! PICK EM’ UP AND GET ME SOME WATER, PRONTO!’

side note: good-bloody-luck to me. (Y)

i used to believe.

I used to believe that airplanes are really that tiny, the size you see in the skies. i believed that upon arrival in the airport, an advanced machine would shrink you; so you could fit inside the tiny aeroplane and zoom off to another land.

I used to believe that dreams were played by a cartoon mouse in the back of your head, with one of those old reel players in authentic cinemas. and the mouse would continuously revolve the handle of the reel, until the reel ended, and that’s when you wake up. the movie showcasing is over. 

I used to believe that french fries were invented by the ?French in France.

I used to believe that the universe is nothing but a massive snowglobe of glittering dust and a small little boy is peering through the glass in and counting the starry dust. i believed the universe ended somewhere, it was quantifiable. i also thought that if this little boy wasn’t cautious enough, the snowglobe might roll off the table, crash onto the floor and that would be the ultimate end of our universe.

I used to believe that if you inhaled enough helium, you could float away like a balloon. up, up and away.

I used to believe that the world is indeed upside down but we don’t realize that because our retinas turn the impression upright in our heads. I

 used to believe that if i were to jump from a roof with an umbrella, i would float down and land gently on my feet. exactly how the old movies/cartoons used to show.

I used to believe if i stripped my wardrobe empty, i’ll find a small trapdoor which leads to a magical fantastical land. 

I used to believe that if i were able to dig a tunnel underground all the way to india, my family and i could visit our relatives and vice versa.

I used to believe that i’ll also get my letter to hogwarts when i turn 11.

I used to believe if i stand next to a plant and smell the leaf, i woud be breathing in fresh oxygen.

I used to believe that Napoleon created Neapolitan ice-cream.

I used to believe that if you eat food while standing on your head, the food will succumb to gravity instead and come back down from the gullet. 

I used to believe that we’re all nothing but holograms. atoms are 1% matter and 99% vacuum. we’re made of atoms, so 99% of us is vacuum and only 1% truly exists? i was compelled to believe that even in existence, i might not truly exist. 

I used to believe that if you sneeze, someone’s thinking of you. when you bit your tongue by accident, someone has cursed you under their breath.

I used to believe that the lines on your hands could predict your future and fate. i believed the parrot which picks out your tarot card has it all figured out.

I used to believe in the supernatural.

the mind is a fickle thing. as time passes, you learn out of your stupidity, innocence or naïveness, whichever is preferable. you alter your opinions and decisions.ideologies on which your entire life till date has been spanned out and you find them not the way you remember it.

likewise, these ‘ideas’ i used to believe in, was when i was much younger. influenced and inspired by the many cartoons and books i used to read. the way i perceived the world became a clearer, more meaningful plane.

heh, i still believe the sneezing one though. momma always says someone, somewhere in the world is missing me.

it’s a sweet thought. something i want to believe for a long time :)

‘2 things which are infinite. the universe and human stupidity. i’m not sure about the universe’ – Albert Einstein

nosey nonsense

my awesome nose is prone to colds. apparenlty my horoscope’s a got in this. yes, horoscope. it’s written in black and white that geminis are prone to constant colds.

so, you are trying ot tell me that the stars in the universe are aligned in such a way, my nose gets screwed every other time? wow, aren’t you creative? i never would have imagined screwing up a nose is as important as, let’s say, judgment day or an apocalyspe, assuming astrology does play a part in fate-telling of the world. 

every once a month my body does this whole biological spasm thing where it has to make sure i get a cold so bad, i want to to cut off my nose. 

Voldemort: who sneezed?
Everyone: nobody nose!! 

another first world defect my body conveniently decides to have, ‘die in air-con’. sounds so silly when put in words like this, but it’s true. if i stay in an airconditioned place for far too long, i get sick. i’m not accustomed to sleeping with the aircon switched on. i sometimes feel cold with the fan on too fast o.O. at sleepovers, i’m a dead duck. *quack* friends who know me well enough, prepare tons of tissue beforehand and even panadols for cold flu fast relief. (Y)

nose damage occurs: cleaning out my cupboard (look, i have no idea why there’s dust in there okay, i don’t think i go out enough), sometimes sweeping, and apparently tonight’s excuse would be- falling asleep on my complex numbers notes on the floor in my room. somebody, help me understand how i have a cold? did eraser dust travel up my nose or something? 

argh, my throat is all itchy and my nose is blocked, again, for the 254312956th time. i want to scream.

screw being a gemini; if that shyte it true. i don’t completely believe in the horoscopic information, but i do agree with the general stereotying of the basic groups. for example: geminis are good at communication, creative, indecisive, confused, lighthearted, spontaneous etc AND APPARENTLY PRONE TO COLDS. see, totally agreed, however, the intensity of each trait is subjective, so it’s neither completely true. but hell yeah-they got the constant cold thing right for me at least.

It’s 3am. school commences in less than 4hours. and i havent got no sleep. (plays teisto’s insomia track in the backgroud). 

okay, i’m going to tryyyyy to sleep because i have to get up and face the big fat ugly education institute which i call ‘school’. i pray and pray everyday that it gets flooded by the adjacent river. but no, never happens. well, will God EVER listen to my simple prayers? haiz, and people ask me why i don’t believe in God and his power to perform miracles? if you really want to keep faith in someone, why not yourself?
Shit, so, i’m gonna come up with an ingenius plan to flood the school and get a day off. yes!

dear planets and magical astrological stars,

You guys are pretty darn cool. different sizes and colours and different moons. to top it off, that wondrous orbit that you do around the sun, just beautiful. awesome! good life! (Y). now that you have a good life for yourself, why not let your fellow geminis have one too. are you really gonna be that selfish? ridding people of good nights’ sleep? think about it alright? have a conscience. 

sincerely, Riddle-nose.