We are mosaics

“We are a mosaic of all the people we have ever loved.”

How beautiful, poetic and true. I’ve been contemplating this for a while now and here is what I’ve come across in myself. Not that anyone asked, but eh? (Who does, though?) My page, my rules 

I AM a mosaic of people I have ever loved. For simplicity’s sake, ‘ever loved’ is a good indication. In fact if I have loved an individual, the inclination to imbibe aspects of them is that much more attractive, isn’t it true? But, I would like to take a step further and say I am a mosaic of the people I have ever allowed myself to be deeply touched by or inspired by in any which way. Be it mannerisms, gestures, ways of speech, sense of humour, habits, schools of thought, their likes and dislikes etc.

Then, you have your non-negotiables, you are a mosaic of your parents and ancestors (literally, figuratively, mentally, emotionally, habitually.. What have you). My parents, I have met and love. My ancestors, those.. I’ve never met nor loved. But they are expressed in me, as me, through me on a cellular level to a socio-cultural level. Hey, in short, I’m a jigsaw puzzle trickled down, millennia in making. Still evolving. Intense.

And I see the same phenomena happening in the people I closely interact with (if I am aware of their periphery circles.. I see glimpses of their loved ones in the way they laugh, or the way they quip in conversations or the way they choose to dress, cook etc). All of us, mirrors of each other. Bouncing off each other.

That is not to say.. This mirroring happens without consideration. Our intelligence is non-discriminatory and then we use our intellect to discern what we want to adopt or not. That would be applied to our unhealthy processes of thought and patterns etc. I believe that a certain amount of self-awareness is needed to cultivate the power to pick up only what you prefer or is necessary and leave or change what doesn’t serve you or your highest.

Now that I have very clinically dissected the beauty of where we started from (Dry. So dry), I want to really stretch this.. I am daring to say.. We are a mosaic of EVERYTHING we have interacted with. Including “animate and inanimate”. When you see a beautiful sunset, doesn’t that touch you in a deep way which cannot be really put into words? And you carry the joy of that sunset in your heart, mind and soul as you move forward, sharing that joy. Unbeknownst to you, you have mirrored the beauty of it by admiring it. You have loved it profoundly by allowing it to touch you. Its beauty is mirrored in you as love and joy. Oh. My heart. (I’m internally crying)

Now, if I am an amalgamation, combination, blend, synthesis (etc, you get it) of all that is around me.. within and beyond my physicality.. Then who really am I? I’m an arbitrary happening, aren’t I? I am a meeting of variables which go on variabling (coined it) incessantly moment to moment.. So on what basis can I then stand on and say, “This is me. This is ORIGINALLY Shraddha.” Humbly put, I really can’t. I have no hard proof for you that this aspect of me that you see is purely me. I would be a fraud to claim that any part of me is originally me. No part of my form is original – my thoughts, emotions, physicality etc. They are all mosaicly borrowed.

Sure, I can own this blend of variables and say it’s me (I got to) and it is. Here I am. Hello, there  I do need my sense of humour to survive uncomfortable situations. I need my name to order my coffee at Starbucks. Can’t possibly go in there and say “Hi, I’m nobody.” Also, I do need my judgement in making sure I keep to under 6 beers, or not, I am totalled. Objective judgements are necessary to survive. Though sometimes, I do not even heed my objective judgement HAHA :P Happens!

But if this blend fluctuates that much, and my pretty mosaic will continue to grow. How to then.. Make a judgment upon myself and say, “This is 100% me.” Does that make sense? Makes sense to me. You have to understand, this is both terribly scary (cause I lose ground) and extremely liberating at the same time for me.

And if I am so arbitrary, whoever I meet is also a mosaic. How to gauge the other? I can’t. Whether it be a good judgment or a bad judgment, it doesn’t hold water anymore.. (You have a good sense of humour.. Mosaicly BORROWED. You have a bad taste in dressing.. Mosaicly BORROWED..) We have heard this a thousand times, do not judge a book by its cover.. You know this. I know this. And yet, it is dawning on me quite hard.

Anyone I meet is a beautiful mystery, constantly in flux. I look at the polaroids I have pinned up in my room and I stare in awe at all the people in my life that I love so dearly and it hits me like a brick that they are mosaics too. I do not know them and I will never know them in their entirety, ever.

I’m brought to my knees. I am in no position to judge, myself or anyone else. I have never been. For a while, I thought I was in some sort of position.. But nah, I think I have dissected this so thoroughly that no judgement can proliferate. I’ve seen to that for myself :D HAHA
And it goes both ways, no judgment can ever encompass me. You will only see a facet of me at any one point in time and that facet is again.. mosaicly borrowed. (If you have followed me this far, can you feel that push and pull within yourself? I am feeling it.)

And if judgment does happen, it would be because of comparison. You need a crux to judge: objectively or subjectively. But if nothing is original and we are operating in a realm of ideas, how to say ‘that’s you’ or ‘that’s right’ and hold it up for judgment? It’s hard, isn’t it? I could judge you for pushing a 7th beer on me but if that idea of fun is mosaicly borrowed for you, I can’t. I will kindly say no, though.

In moments, I may forget and pass judgment but hopefully, I can center myself again in knowing that I don’t really know.. I literally wouldn’t have the capacity to ever know. Same goes for you too, okay? You and I are the same. You will also neverrrrrrrr know. Let’s shake hands in humility. Hug it out. It’s okay. It’s alright.

Beyond this verbiage, is the question: Who really am I then? I could rest in the answer: “I am a happening.” At this point, I am like.. Who cares? Let’s move on with it.. please. Wasting time on all this inconclusive wonderings.. What else to do? I’m sure there is relevance, let’s walk a little bit more.

When I own my variables, I am a somebody which is very much me. Hi, this is my borrowed name, sense of humour, colour of skin, personality, likes and dislikes etc which makes me uniquely me. When I can observe my variables with a little distance, I am a nobody. I ain’t original. I don’t know who I am or at this point, what I am. But I can’t separate the two (nobody and somebody), can you? I can’t. I gotta play as ‘somebody’ – need my thoughts, emotions and body to function. I am a meeting of nobody and somebody. It seems to me that when I abide in the nobody vantage point of view, life happens with more grace, less resistance, much more smoother, like a flow.

Because nobody likes being judged right? I know I don’t. Can’t encompass me in an idea. Certainly can’t do that to you. The audacity if I did! I want to love and be loved and I know, so do you :P You know how I can truly love and be loved… without judgements, primarily towards myself and in turn others. Being able to see myself for the mosaic/ mystery that I am and see that in you too. Walk forward with this in the heart of everything and perhaps.. We can rest a little better.

“We are a mosaic of everything.” is how I would like to phrase it.
ORIGINALLY COINED BY SHRADDHA RAMSUNDAR (HAHAHA, taking a hit on myself, take a hit at me)